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Energy Guy

 

The Energy Inquirer Archives

Inquiring minds want to know and our silhouetted line art mascot, The Energy Guy, is here with the answers.

Past Inquiries...

Dear Energy Guy,

I loved 5-Hour Energy shots so much that I recently tried your 6 hour shot.
It sucked. What gives?

Betrayed in Boise

Dear Betrayed,

Never confuse 5-hour ENERGY® with any of our unscrupulous, copycat competitors. We only make 5-hour ENERGY®. Any other shot that tries to trump us by an hour or two is pulling your leg and trying to ride our coattails.
By sticking with 5-hour ENERGY® you get the original energy shot (introduced in 2004) and the number one brand - by a long shot. In fact 5-hour ENERGY® outsells the number two brand by 10 to one. Why? It doesn't suck.

See ya,
Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,
Why should I spend $3 for something that is gone with a sip? Half the reason I buy energy drinks is because I like the taste. What's the deal?

Bill Goodman

Dear Mr. Goodman,
Bill, that's the great thing about America – there are so many choices that you don't have to settle for something you don't want. If you like sipping sugary, calorie-laden energy sodas, go for it! The rest of us will slam down a sugar free, four calorie 5-hour ENERGY® shot and get back to work. We're not haters.

Viva America!
Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

1st, I just want to say how much i love your drink!!! i don't no what i would do with out it. It keeps me going all week. i usually only sleep 3-6 hours so i depend on them to keep me going. my question for you: Is drinking about 8 shots a week or more bad for you? The only reason i ask is because my little sister keeps harassing me bout it. thank you for taking time to answer my question.:)

Renee Larcomb

Dear Renee,

What a relief it is to know that English grammar, spelling and style are in such capable hands. My advice to you is to get some sleep. Although 5-hour ENERGY® may help you get by on three hours you’re missing out on all the wonderful health benefits of a full six to eight hours. You’ll feel great and be able to stay awake in English class. Only take 5-hour ENERGY® when you’re tired and can’t afford a siesta. We recommend taking no more than two bottles of 5-Hour Energy per day. Be sure to space them several hours apart. As far as your sister goes, tell her I said to keep up the good work.

Best,
Energy Guy

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DEAR ENERGY GUY,
How can 5-Hour Energy shots provide hours of energy if it has only four calories? Our bodies burn calories for energy. Duh!

Signed,
Peter Pedantic

DEAR MR. PEDANTIC,
Allow me to answer your letter point by point. First, 5-hour ENERGY® is not fuel for your body. Instead, it helps your head feel bright, alert and productive. Second, if calories provide energy (which they do) why do most people feel like taking a nap an hour after eating lunch? Or maybe that's the point of 5-Hour Energy. It's there when you need the boost. Third, never "duh" The Energy Guy. Didn't your mamma teach you any manners?

Best regards,
The Energy Guy

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DEAR ENERGY GUY,
You’re so mysterious, dressed in black from head to toe, and running from place to place. Are you part of a top secret government agency, or in the witness protection program, or what? What do you know about unmarked black helicopters?

Signed,
Too Much Time on My Hands

PS. I already started an Internet rumor that your are an ex-Navy Seal who was accused of a crime he didn’t commit, went underground, became an eccentric billionaire and developed 5-Hour Energy shots in your secret underground lair. Hope that’s OK.

DEAR TOO MUCH TIME,
I have advised my client, The Energy Guy, to offer no comment to these unfounded, baseless rumors. The Energy Guy is a peaceful, law abiding citizen who wishes to lead a quiet life in his secret underground lair.

Sincerely,
Rutherford “Kip” Herringbone, Esq.
Attorney at Law

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DEAR ENERGY GUY,
As a medical professional I resent the fact that millions of people are turning to 5-Hour Energy to help them get through the day when all they need is eight hours of sleep, proper nutrition, proper exercise, stop smoking, stop drinking, and eliminate all stress. What’s so hard about that?

Signed,
Darin Do-Gooder, MD, DO, phD

DEAR DOCTOR,
Only hippies get to lead that kind of life style, and they’re poor. Regular working people don’t always get luxuries like sleep, relaxation and well balanced meals prepared by personal chefs. So when they need a little help to get through, 5-hour ENERGY® shots are there for them. When you come back to planet Earth you may find you could use some 5-Hour Energy, too.

Best regards,
The Energy Guy, Working Stiff

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Dear Energy Guy,

Where does the term "couch potato" come from? As a potato farmer I am personally offended that the noble potato has become symbolic of lazy people. Why not "couch cucumber" or "sofa asparagus?"

Signed,
Indignant in Idaho

Dear Indignant,

How about "divan dumpling?" According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, the term couch potato was first coined in 1976. In the early-1980s it was registered as a trademark by underground comic book artist Robert Armstrong who co-authored The Official Couch Potato Handbook. Why the potato was chosen as the poster tuber for the sedentary lifestyle is not explained. Perhaps it¹s the striking resemblance between couch potatoes and actual spuds.

Taking 5-hour ENERGY® is a great way to combat couch potato-itis. One quick swig and the last thing you¹ll want to do vegetate on the couch. Before you know it you¹re physique could be much more carrot-like.

Best wishes,
The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Dude,

I M totally I mean to-TAL-ly into x-treme sports like me and my buds totally suck down energy drinks while they’re rippin it but like I started into the 5-Hour Energy and now those other energy drinks are totally bogus to me but I M totally into 5-Hour like and my buds are like dude wuz up how come UR not drinking what we R drinking and like they laffed and it was totally lame but I started rippin and they were like whoa and it was cool so like will you sponsor me and my buds?

Signed,
Rad Brad


Dear Rad Brad,

No, but can I buy you some punctuation?

Best wishes,
The Energy Dude Guy

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*This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

Individual results may vary.

Original 5-hour ENERGY® contains caffeine equivalent to a cup of the leading premium coffee. Extra Strength 5-hour ENERGY® contains caffeine equivalent to 12 ounces of the leading premium coffee. Limit caffeine products to avoid nervousness, sleeplessness and occasional rapid heartbeat. Decaf 5-hour ENERGY® contains about as much caffeine as a half cup of decaffeinated coffee.