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Dear Energy Guy,

What is your company’s mission statement? If you don’t have one, what is the main purpose of your company?

Signed,
Business Student

Dear Business Student,

Mission statements are for wimps, and you can tell your professor that The Energy Guy said so. I mean, come on, any honest business person will say that their mission is to run a profitable business. All that flowery “to serve the community” and “treat our employees as family members” stuff is a bunch of baloney. If you have to say it you’re probably not doing it. Just make a good product, sell it and market it effectively, and make money. If that’s not your main focus, all that kumbaya stuff will never happen.

Good luck, tiger.

The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,
Why does 5-Hour Energy cost so much? I can buy a big 16-ounce energy drink for less than a little 5-Hour Energy.

Signed,
On-2-U in Yuma

Dear On-2-U
Don't be fooled by the American value proposition (more stuff for less money equals value). It simply isn't true in all cases. If you spend $1.99 on a 16-ounce energy drink and you don't like how it works, or it makes you crash, you just wasted $1.99. But if you spend $2.99 on a 5-Hour Energy and it works as advertised, which it will, you will not have wasted a dime. The proof is in the pudding (which is also cheaper than 5-Hour Energy). If you're looking for the best deal around, check out the 24-pack at your local warehouse club store.

Sincerely,
The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy

Your commercials are offensive! I considered trying your product until I saw how you portrayed skaters/punks! I am upset at your commercial for stating "work, you should try it some time." How dare you assume that every skater is a slacker!!! You may not convince me that your product is any better than the ones I've been taking!!!

Signed,
Alyssa

Dear Alyssa,

How dare you assume that we're assuming. The portrayal of one skater as a slacker does not an assumption make. Is there not one slacker among the skateboarding community? Puleeez. I'm sure that the vast majority of skateboarders are hard working, scholarly and perhaps saintly people, but every group has its share of slackers. Not every group is so whiny, though.

Lighten up.

The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

Your last commercail i saw about your product five hour energy had me appauled. Your so jugdemental in it and ill will tell everyone i know to never purchase your product including me.

Signed,
Jonathan

How about this: I find your most recent 5-Hour Energy commercial appalling. It's judgmental and critical of skateboarders. As a result I will tell everyone I know to not purchase your product.

Or this: I recently saw your most recent 5-Hour Energy commercial. At first I was offended because I thought your were being judgmental and critical of skateboarders, but upon reflection I realized that indeed there are slackers in the skateboarding community. I am not a slacker and can therefore not take offense to the humorous portrayal. I also realize that a little ribbing is nothing to get upset about. After all, if the President of the United States can stand up to the unflattering lampoons produced on Saturday Night Live, then I can be a sport, too.

Pay attention in English class.

The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

I noticed a contest to give you a name other than Energy Guy. Is Energy Guy your secret identity? What did your parents call you?

Signed,
Hung Up in Hartford

Dear Hung Up,

I'm just a vector line drawing with a black fill. I have no parents, although I think it would have been nice to have someone tuck me in and read me stories, make me hot cocoa, kiss my boo boos. But don't feel sorry for me. I have a rich, full life as the Energy Guy. I want nothing more than to maintain this strenuous pose, answer your letters, and accept the name others give me.

Mommy!

I gotta go now,
Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

I loved 5-Hour Energy shots so much that I recently tried your 6 hour shot.
It sucked. What gives?

Betrayed in Boise

Dear Betrayed,

Never confuse 5-Hour Energy with any of our unscrupulous, copycat competitors. We only make 5-Hour Energy. Any other shot that tries to trump us by an hour or two is pulling your leg and trying to ride our coattails.
By sticking with 5-Hour Energy you get the original energy shot (introduced in 2004) and the number one brand - by a long shot. In fact 5-Hour Energy outsells the number two brand by 10 to one. Why? It doesn't suck.

See ya,
Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,
Why should I spend $3 for something that is gone with a sip? Half the reason I buy energy drinks is because I like the taste. What's the deal?

Bill Goodman

Dear Mr. Goodman,
Bill, that's the great thing about America – there are so many choices that you don't have to settle for something you don't want. If you like sipping sugary, calorie-laden energy sodas, go for it! The rest of us will slam down a sugar free, four calorie 5-Hour Energy shot and get back to work. We'll send someone over to nudge you awake after the crash hits. We're not haters.

Viva America!
Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

1st, I just want to say how much i love your drink!!! i don't no what i would do with out it. It keeps me going all week. i usually only sleep 3-6 hours so i depend on them to keep me going. my question for you: Is drinking about 8 shots a week or more bad for you? The only reason i ask is because my little sister keeps harassing me bout it. thank you for taking time to answer my question.:)

Renee Larcomb

Dear Renee,

What a relief it is to know that English grammar, spelling and style are in such capable hands. My advice to you is to get some sleep. Although 5-Hour Energy may help you get by on three hours you’re missing out on all the wonderful health benefits of a full six to eight hours. You’ll feel great and be able to stay awake in English class. Only take 5-Hour Energy when you’re tired and can’t afford a siesta. We recommend taking no more than two bottles of 5-Hour Energy per day. Be sure to space them several hours apart. As far as your sister goes, tell her I said to keep up the good work.

Best,
Energy Guy

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