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Energy Guy

 

 

[sic] = said in context

 

 

The energy inquirer

Inquiring minds want to know and our silhouetted line art mascot, The Energy Guy, is here with the answers.

The Energy Inquirer is intended to entertain our audience by lampooning the outrageous things people say about 5-hour ENERGY® Some of the questions contained herein are made up and some are real.

Most Recent Inquiries

DEAR ENERGY GUY,

now hear this!!! i used your stupid energy drink after lunch last wednesday when i had on a gray, drab shirt. i drank the 5 hour energy shot, and nothing. my shirt didn't change colors at all. actually, it stayed the same doggone color it was when i went to work that morning. convinced that i had clearly done something wrong, i wore the same shirt on thursday, drinking another energy shot after lunch when i started to get drowsy. although i think i detected some emerging technicolor, nothing. same shirt, different day. bummed, i decided to give it one more try. wore my shirt again on friday, and everybody, and i do mean EVERYBODY, was talking about my shirt. i'm guessing they wanted to see the color change, too?! again, nothing. this stuff doesn't work and i demand my money back!!!

Carol P.
York, PA

 

DEAR CAROL,
People who take that commercial literally, make me figuratively insane.

Sincerely,
The Energy Guy

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DEAR ENERGY GUY,
After seeing your latest commercial I am offended that your product is not a terrible, evil scourge on the Earth. As one who spends an overabundance of spare time commenting on people, products and ideas on the Internet with little to no knowledge of my subject matter, nothing upsets me more than reasonable facts. The very idea that 5-hour ENERGY does not contain dangerous amounts of caffeine or secret ingredients of dubious origin is disappointing. Please take this despicable commercial off the air and allow me to continue spreading my uninformed opinions about your product.

Signed,
Gordon D. Troll



DEAR GORDON,
You are entitled to your opinions, but not to your own facts (www.5hourenergy.com/facts). I recommend doing something else with your overabundance of spare time such as take a walk, ride a bike, or talk face to face with real people. The Internet is a dark, twisty place. Don’t spend so much time there.

Sincerely,
The Energy Guy

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DEAR ENERGY GUY,
I saw/heard your advertisement on the FOX channel and I am deeply offended by the language used in your commercial. With all the words in the English language, you selected one of the most vile imaginable. Please remove it from the airways and substitute with something perhaps using comedy. You might find that you sell more product. Or do you lack the imagination and intelligence required to produce good comedy? I assume so, since you have reverted to using repulsive language which doesn't require any intelligence.
 
Nancy Jones
Newbury, MA

 
 
DEAR NANCY,
Do you mean the word “sucks” as in the phrase “tired sucks” from our commercial? That is one of the vilest words imaginable? Just off the top of my head I can think of several others that network standards and practices departments don’t even allow on their airwaves. They didn’t bat an eye at “sucks.” I wonder why. Perhaps it’s because they understand that the dictionary contains 21 definitions of the word suck. Maybe they even know that definition 11 (in my dictionary) is “Slang. to be repellent or disgusting: Poverty sucks.” You seem stuck on definition 19. Get your mind out of the gutter, Nancy. It’s no place for someone so intelligent.
 
Sincerely,
The Energy Guy

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DEAR ENERGY GUY,
I've got a bone to pick with you. I'm in my recliner this morning and the wife starts telling me I need to mow the lawn. I'm trying every excuse I can muster, but she's not having it. Eventually she says she'll give me a 5-hour ENERGY and that I only have to do that back yard since it didn't get done last time. I agree, throw back a grape 5-hour ENERGY and start mowing the back yard. It gets done and I figure that since I'm out I might as well take care of the front yard as well… then the side yard. Next thing I know, I'm in the garage rebuilding the transmission of my '72 Nova that's been sitting there for three years. I don't even know how to rebuild a transmission, but I figured, hey, I've got a Chilton Manual and a set of socket wrenches, what more do I need? Anyway, you all are making it very difficult for decent folk to be lazy.
 
Randy Rather
Vienna, WV

DEAR RANDY,
If I give you a 5-hour ENERGY will you clean my garage?

Sincerely,
The Energy Guy

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DEAR ENERGY GUY,
I was wondering how you got my boyfriend to be in your commercial? That is so him. He never wants to get up. I am also wondering about the money he made from your commercial. Have a great day.

Esther Murphy
Daytona Beach, FL

DEAR ESTHER,
You must be referring to the TV commercial featuring the man who doesn’t want to go to work, doesn’t want to get up, and hates mornings. That man is not your boyfriend, but one of the millions of people across the country who are not morning people. They all look like that – tired, grumpy and disheveled. They need help, and there is not faster way to help them than to give them a 5-hour ENERGY. It’s ready right now. No making or waiting required. As far as money goes, try going through his pockets.

Sincerely,
The Energy Guy

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DEAR ENERGY GUY,
I love 5-hour Energy shots. Nothing works better when I need an afternoon boost. The other morning, though, I was trying to make coffee and spilled a bunch of the grounds on my kitchen floor. I finally got it together and after a while my coffee was done. Then I was rushed trying to get ready for work and spilled some of the coffee on my new carpet. Then I burned my mouth. Then I had to carry the coffee out to the car and drink it while I drove to work before it got cold which really didn’t matter because my mouth was burned and while driving I dribbled some on my tie. Disgusted, I thought how easy it would have been to just open a 5-Hour Energy and knock it back. The next day I did just that. My morning went remarkably well – no spills, no burns, no hassle. Do you think anyone else has figured out you can take 5-hour Energy in the morning?
 
Signed,
Free from Coffee

 
DEAR FREE,
As you have discovered, coffee can be a hassle in the morning. It takes time and patience, two things on short supply most mornings. But 5-hour ENERGY® is ready when you need it. No making it, waiting for it, walking around with it, no hassle. Just open it up and knock it back. You’re done in seconds. The alert, energetic feeling you need is on its way and you’re left with something strange and wonderful in the morning… time. Imagine the possibilities. Why, you could read the newspaper, play with the dog, or get to work early… yeah, that’s a good one, right?
 
Best regards,
The Energy Guy

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DEAR ENERGY GUY,
Is 5-hour ENERGY® just for old people? It’s like all the people in your commercials and your featured fans must all be all like 30 years old or something.
 
Signed,
Jeremy L.
14 years old

 
DEAR JEREMY,
If, by “old people” you mean hard working adults, then yes. It’s made to help keep them bright and alert when they have a lot to do and can’t afford a let down. At your age, getting enough sleep, eating right and exercising should be enough. Us “old people,” though, live in a world of family responsibilities, second jobs, night school, home maintenance, charity work and other forms of stress including teenagers. Look at your parents. There’s your future. Buy them some 5-hour ENERGY® and make some good karma for yourself.
 
Best regards,
The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

Im [sic] not sure how long you’ve had another five hour energy [sic] commercial out for with the older gentleman who sounds like one of his balls are in a vice, but it’s absolutely horrible. I laugh, then turn the channel every time as well as 90% of the people I know, just so you guys know.

Corey Hayden
Cedar Ridge, CA

I HATE THE NEW COMMERCIAL [sic] I HONESTLY DON’T THINK ILL [sic] BUY THE PRODUCT EVER AGAIN UNTIL IT IS EITHER CHANGED BACK TO THE OLD ONE OR RE-SHOOT [sic] A NEW ONW [sic]

Edward Walker
Depew, NY

I would like to say how much i [sic] dislike the new salesperson on the commercials. He is a terrible actor and the old guy with the black hair was a lot better than him. You can’t even compare the two because they are in two totally different leagues. So i [sic] would 5 hour energy [sic] to re-hire and put on the spokesperson before the old man. I dislike this man very much.

Evan Loukadakis Mansura, LA

Dear Corey, Edward and Evan,

We here at 5-hour ENERGY® respect the right of individuals to express their opinions, no matter how awkwardly. We respect this right so much that we are willing to place spiteful, poorly written opinions like yours on our website. So even though some people place far too much importance on TV commercials, and have nothing better to do than form criticisms and seek outlets for expressing criticism about said commercials, despite the fact that, among myriad other horrible things going on around us, an unprecedented ecological disaster is currently taking place (right in your backyard, Evan), we are honored to publish their opinions, as written, for all to see. What can I say? I love the First Amendment.

The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

I just want to let you know that because of your ubiquitious [sic] “2:30 Feeling“ ad campaign I will absolutely never try your product. What a belittling [sic] annoying message - talking to us like we’re children incapable of realizing [sic] when we’re tired, and mocking us for being boring office drones. I’ll take my $5M [sic] and buy a drink that takes more than 3 seconds to drink.

Wayne S.
Private, NY

Dear Wayne,

Most people perceive that ad as identifying common problem (afternoon grogginess) and offering a possible solution (5-hour ENERGY®). Rather than feeling belittled and annoyed, they’ve bought a lot of 5-Hour Energy - and I mean a lot. So even though we would love to have your $5M ($5,000?) we’ll try our best to soldier on without it.

The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

I love 5-hour energy [sic] but your writers for the commercials need to go. Its [sic] unfortunate your writers are avoiding opportunities for creative storytelling by repeating the same script with a different actor/talent. For an original beverage you need inventive commercials. Get new writers! Please.

Ryan Hammaker
Downington, PA

Dear Ryan, After consulting with our writers, they have refused to go. It’s true that they have avoided opportunities for creative storytelling. Instead they have stubbornly pursued a reckless path of presenting a clear, concise message that people can understand, and sticking with what is working. If you could see the rocketship-esque sales trend since the 2:30 Feeling campaign started, you’d stick with it, too. Creative storytelling may win awards, but it doesn’t sell product.

The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

If 5-Hour Energy contains as much caffeine as a cup of the leading premium coffee, why shouldn’t I just have another cup of joe instead of forking over $3 for a 5-Hour Energy?

Signed,
I Smell a Rat


Dear Smelly Rat,

You’re perfectly free to drink all the coffee you want. Don’t let me stop you. However, don’t confuse 5-hour ENERGY® with a mere cup of coffee. There’s a lot more going on in 5-hour ENERGY® than just caffeine. Take a look at the Supplement Facts on the label. We are required by law to list the energy blend ingredients in descending order of volume. Please note that caffeine is second from last, meaning that there’s more of every other ingredient, except one. The best way to discover the difference is to try 5-hour ENERGY® yourself. I think you’ll prefer the feeling 5-hour ENERGY® provides, as well the distinctive lack of coffee stained teeth, coffee breath, coffee stained clothes, car interiors and carpets.

The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

Your television commercials are terrible. Not the content or subject, but the production value. The color correction is off with every shot and the sound levels are just as bad. This makes you ads tacky and laughable. I do not want to buy your product because you can’t find a decent production company to do your ads well. I have been in the advertising business for years. Your ad campaign is not cutting it! Please fire the people you have and get new ones that know what they are doing.

- Jaron Briggs

Dear Jaron,
Our back to back record sales months would like to argue with your assessment of our TV ads. Apparently everyone but you is paying attention to the content and subject matter.

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Dear Energy Guy,

Saw your TV ad. Who signed off on that? I wear glasses and used to box and play hockey. [Explicative deleted] I’ll use my platform as an improv actor to ridicule your product.

- Chris

Dear Chris,
Geez, for an improve actor you’re pretty uptight. Anyhow, thanks for the free advertising. When you add improve actor to the list of things you used to do, let me know. Maybe we can use a glasses wearing former boxer and hockey player.

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Dear Energy Guy,

What is your company’s mission statement? If you don’t have one, what is the main purpose of your company?

Signed,
Business Student


Dear Business Student,

Mission statements are for wimps, and you can tell your professor that The Energy Guy said so. I mean, come on, any honest business person will say that their mission is to run a profitable business. All that flowery “to serve the community” and “treat our employees as family members” stuff is a bunch of baloney. If you have to say it you’re probably not doing it. Just make a good product, sell it and market it effectively, and make money. If that’s not your main focus, all that kumbaya stuff will never happen.

Good luck, tiger.

The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,
Why does 5-Hour Energy cost so much? I can buy a big 16-ounce energy drink for less than a little 5-Hour Energy.

Signed,
On-2-U in Yuma

Dear On-2-U
Don't be fooled by the American value proposition (more stuff for less money equals value). It simply isn't true in all cases. If you spend $1.99 on a 16-ounce energy drink and you don't like how it works, or it makes you crash, you just wasted $1.99. But if you spend $2.99 on a 5-hour ENERGY® and it works as advertised, which it will, you will not have wasted a dime. The proof is in the pudding (which is also cheaper than 5-hour ENERGY®). If you're looking for the best deal around, check out the 24-pack at your local warehouse club store.

Sincerely,
The Energy Guy

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horiz rule

Dear Energy Guy

Your commercials are offensive! I considered trying your product until I saw how you portrayed skaters/punks! I am upset at your commercial for stating "work, you should try it some time." How dare you assume that every skater is a slacker!!! You may not convince me that your product is any better than the ones I've been taking!!!

Signed,
Alyssa

Dear Alyssa,

How dare you assume that we're assuming. The portrayal of one skater as a slacker does not an assumption make. Is there not one slacker among the skateboarding community? Puleeez. I'm sure that the vast majority of skateboarders are hard working, scholarly and perhaps saintly people, but every group has its share of slackers. Not every group is so whiny, though.

Lighten up.

The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

Your last commercail i saw about your product five hour energy had me appauled. Your so jugdemental in it and ill will tell everyone i know to never purchase your product including me.

Signed,
Jonathan

How about this: I find your most recent 5-hour ENERGY® commercial appalling. It's judgmental and critical of skateboarders. As a result I will tell everyone I know to not purchase your product.

Or this: I recently saw your most recent 5-hour ENERGY® commercial. At first I was offended because I thought your were being judgmental and critical of skateboarders, but upon reflection I realized that indeed there are slackers in the skateboarding community. I am not a slacker and can therefore not take offense to the humorous portrayal. I also realize that a little ribbing is nothing to get upset about. After all, if the President of the United States can stand up to the unflattering lampoons produced on Saturday Night Live, then I can be a sport, too.

Pay attention in English class.

The Energy Guy

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Dear Energy Guy,

I noticed a contest to give you a name other than Energy Guy. Is Energy Guy your secret identity? What did your parents call you?

Signed,
Hung Up in Hartford

Dear Hung Up,

I'm just a vector line drawing with a black fill. I have no parents, although I think it would have been nice to have someone tuck me in and read me stories, make me hot cocoa, kiss my boo boos. But don't feel sorry for me. I have a rich, full life as the Energy Guy. I want nothing more than to maintain this strenuous pose, answer your letters, and accept the name others give me.

Mommy!

I gotta go now,
Energy Guy

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*This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

Individual results may vary.

Original 5-hour ENERGY® contains caffeine equivalent to a cup of the leading premium coffee. Extra Strength 5-hour ENERGY® contains caffeine equivalent to 12 ounces of the leading premium coffee. Limit caffeine products to avoid nervousness, sleeplessness and occasional rapid heartbeat. Decaf 5-hour ENERGY® contains about as much caffeine as a half cup of decaffeinated coffee.